Canvas Of Life

i'm sorry, to ended up like this. this whole time is a mess. I though we meet in a wrong time.. It's hurt me too. I swear. It's feels like this pain is stab me in the heart.. my heart is crying, my eyes is empty, my mind is no where when i'm thinking about you..

I'm driving like crazy.. But only that i see is you, down every road..

I miss you
I miss us
I miss our little chit chat
I miss our conversation about future that we hold together
I miss our plan to taking step our journey together
I miss your hand that hold my hand like a matching lock and i still remember our passionate kisses
I though everything that we been trough is like a beautiful ending in a romantic movies, about my childhood. You and me. Growing together. and we meet again in adult life about life lesson and hope that we been trough to be better person..

Why aren't we in love?
Why aren't we dating?
Why our relationship didn't work?

Maybe we aren't mean to be..

I'm sorry since we broke up after i just left you a message. It must been so hard for you when you left my door with full of dissapointment because of me never give you any change to rebuild our relationship

Honestly, It's hurt me too to not telling the truth
It's hurt me too because i won't explain to you the truth about reason why our relationship should ended like this
It's hurt me too to saw you mad at me
It's hurt me too because we just in love for two days
It's hurt me too because i left you and dissapointed your family about my decision
It's hurt me too
It's hurt me too, because i still love you
I'm crying for you too

I'm sorry.. I'm sorry.. We aren't mean to be.. 😭😢😢😢😢😢

- W

saya tidak pernah bosan membahas tentang Heartbreak meskipun saya tidak sedang patah hati, namun ketika membaca artikel tentang heartbreak, pain, move on, love-life adalah salah satu hal favorite saya. dan saya bisa saja merasa relatable dengan apapun yang di bahas. sama halnya dengan lagu lagu sedih yang gampang saja bisa disukai, dari pada lagu lagu bahagia. yang kemudian bisa membuat saya teringat lagi dengan hal-hal yang lalu, membuat saya sedih lagi dan mempertanyakan tentang "Self-Worth dan Self-Respect" pada diri saya sendiri.. dan yah, meskipun menyakitkan namun perlahan lahan itu juga bisa membuat saya merasa belajar.

beberapa minggu yang lalu saya membaca artikel di Huffingtonpost.com yang berjudul "Don't Settle For Someone Who Already Left You Once Before" = you deserve someone who would never want to tear your heart apart. dan isi artikelnya tentang motivasi untuk tidak kembali dengan Mantan yang sudah menyakiti dan meninggalkan. karena setiap wanita pantas mendapat pria yang lebih baik. i do agree!

saya memang beberpa bulan yang lalu sempat kembali dengan mantan saya, namun bukan untuk menjalin hubungan. tapi hanya dengan pertemanan yang entah saya tidak pahami apa namanya yang dimaksud hubungan kami. dan itu membuat saya terlarut seperti memohon untuk di sayangi, saya merasa di perlakukan spesial yang membuat saya lupa kalau saya ini bukan siapa-siapa, tidak di anggap siapa-siapa dan hanya di anggap untuk selingan dan senang-senang semata. rasa kesepian dan kekosongan yang membuat saya terlarut dengannya karena hati saya ingin di isi dengan cinta dan perhatian, saya begitu bahagia sampai lupa kalau saya telah menginjak sebuah tempat milik orang lain, sebuah area yang seharusnya tidak pernah saya datangi. dan langsung membuat saya merasa tersingkir kalau saya ini memang bukan siapa-siapa dan tidak dianggap apa-apa.. kemudian perasaan sedih dan penyesalan menghampiri yang akhirnya membuat saya merasa tidak layak untuk dicintai, tidak layak untuk bahagia. yah, perasaan itu memang selalu menghantui saya dan ketakutan terbesar saya dan membuat saya terpuruk lagi untuk beberapa lama. sebuah lubang kekosongan yang menyesakan dada yang datang ketika saya terbangun di pagi hari.

should i cut him off from my life? 
saya sebenarnya tidak ingin memutus silaturahmi, namun kalau begini terus saya tidak akan bisa melangkah maju dan meninggalkan masa lalu. saya hanya akan terus di ganggu oleh seseorang yang ingin memanfaatkan saya hanya untuk mengisi kekosongan mereka atau sebagai selingan atas kebosanan yang mereka hadapi di dalam kehidupan mereka. walaubagaimanapun saya berhak mendapatkan kehidupan yang lebih baik. bukan pengulangan rasa sakit yang saya peroleh dari orang-orang di masa lalu.

saya sadar, saya memang belum sepenuhnya bisa mencintai diri sendiri sehingga masih saja terjungkal untuk alasan sama yang membuat saya lupa dengan kelayakan diri saya, hidup saya, masa depan saya yang seharusnya lebih baik. yang saya tahu, saya masih saja berjuang untuk meninggalkan masalalu..

semoga kali ini saya bisa lebih belajar..

terimakasih kepada Lauren Jarvis-Gibson dari Huffingtonpost.com yang sudah menulis motivasi ini :

Don’t Settle For Someone Who Already Left You Once Before
You deserve someone who would never want to tear your heart apart
Please, please have some self respect. Do not go back to the person who ran from your beautiful love. Do not go back to the person who left your heart run over on the worn down pavement. Do not go back to the person who never lived up to their promises. You deserve someone who would never ever dream of running from you. Who would never even think of doing that to you. Of causing you so much pain and suffering.

You deserve someone who would never want to tear your heart apart.

I get it. It’s easy to do when the one you loved is begging for you back. It’s easy to trust when you shouldn’t trust. And it’s easy to love, when you shouldn’t love.
But listen, when they beg for you back and are staring up at you saying everything that you have always wanted to hear from them, please, don’t believe them.
They already showed you who they were when they left you. They already showed you their true colors when they turned away. They already showed you that they don’t deserve you, when they said goodbye.

Don’t be a fool.

I know you desperately want to be loved just like we all do. I know you want so desperately to be adored and to be taken care of, like we all do. But the person that left you before is going to leave again. The person that already left you, won’t ever be the one to permanently stay.
 
So don’t chase after them when they call you back. Don’t fill their loneliness up. Don’t fill your sadness up with their black heart. Don’t you dare settle for their half-hearted love that will only break you again and again.

Build yourself back up on your own. Run the other direction when they show up at your front door. Run and never look back. Just like they did with you.

You are lovable, even if you don’t believe it yet. You are worthy of big love, even if you can’t comprehend it yet. And you deserve to be adored in every way possible. You deserve a love that never questions you. And you deserve a love that never ever would want to harm you.

So don’t give them the benefit of a doubt. Don’t forget what this person did to you. Don’t ever forget how they ripped up your heart. You deserve so much more than someone who had the audacity to leave. You deserve so much more than someone who had the audacity to break you, and show up once again.

Please don’t go back to that false hope. Please don’t go back to the lies and the broken promises and the tears. Don’t go back to the maybes and the questions marks and the fear. Don’t go back to the games.

You deserve so much better. And you know what? I think you already know that.

Have you ever considered to think about me even just once?
have you ever feels scared to losing me in your life?
Have you ever feels i am mean something to you?
have you ever feels i am the only one who's always there for you. Even though you only asking me when you're lonely or need to runaway from something, someone, somewhere, situation that messing around your damn mind?
Or you only asking me cause you can never get enough from someone else.

Back then couple years ago till now. have you ever feels there any something strange or special feeling for me deep down in the bottom of your heart?

Just once, i wanna know.. am i mean something to you?

Have you ever realize you always hurt me after all these years? have you ever realize i been wasting my time to waiting for you.. 'cause when i remember all of about you, remember you always leave me without saying any word. it always hurt me like it should.

I wish I didn’t blame it all on myself. I wish I had seen my worth and hadn’t chased after someone that made me feel like I had to beg for their love.

Jakarta march 24th 2017

I wake up in the morning and getting some road to the brigde. saw the sunrise is one of my favorite things to do..
but one thing yg that's not change for this couple of day is my emptiness in the morning. my fear is back. and i have this huge emptiness and aching in my chest. so painfull.

can you give me a reason to keep going? because it's like i don’t see the light at the end of the brigde anymore.

and.... I just wanna go home 😢😢😢