Canvas Of Life

look at her. say her name. she is pretty or beautiful. i know what she’s like to wearing. how skinny she is. How curvy she is. I notice the color of her eyes. I notice the color and the type of her hair.

I searching her on Facebook, twitter and instagram. I notice how confident she's like take a selfie with duck face without looking ugly. she looks nice with her outfit. I saw the pictures and captions about that road trip you took with her. what you did for her on valentine day. what you did for her that one time on her birthday. how awesome her family and her friendship is. I saw the picture when you and her together and you still keep all those picture.

I don’t want to saw it. I don’t want to know. But I did. I'm such a stalker.

I’ll never believe you when you say she no longer means anything to you. Don’t say anything about her, not even once. If you do, I’ll never forget it. It will eat away at me forever. Because I will always look at her and see her as somebody that could make you happy, happier than I could ever make you. I’ll see her as somebody that will give you everything you want.

I’ll always think she is prettier than me. I’ll always think you want her more than me. I’ll always see how perfect her body is. I’ll always see how big and sparkly her eyes are. I’ll always see an image of the two of you together loving each other in my head.

Every time we sit down together at our favorite place, I’ll wonder if the two of you went there first before i do. When you tell me you like that new perfume I’m wearing, I’ll wonder if she used to wear it. Every time we hear a song on youtube, I’ll wonder if it makes you think of her. Every time we’re together, I’ll wonder if you’re thinking of her.

When you tell me that you like the things I do to you, I’ll wonder if she did them to you first. I’ll always wonder if, deep down, you wish you could be with her. I’ll always wonder if you miss her. I’ll always wonder if you want her back. I’ll always wonder if you’re thinking about her.

I’ll never feel like I am good enough for you..

"But do you want to end up alone forever?"

"Maybe you need to stop being so picky"

"You shouldn't give up so easily!"

Hmmmm...
I do try to act like I don’t care, because if I showed how much it really bothered me it kills me inside being single, it really does.

For the most part, I try to act like I don’t care. I try to act like it doesn’t hurt when I see women who are clearly way less good-looking than me get more guys than I do.

The problem is that my closest friends know how much it hurts me, and there’s a certain point where I realize I’d start pushing them away if that’s all I’d talk about.

So I pretend I’m ok seeing people who do nothing to better themselves coupled, while I really work hard on making myself a better person only to be passed up over and over again.

So, if you’re like me struggling to find love, I’m sorry things ended up like this. While we can try to be the best version of ourselves that we can be, sometimes it's still not enough..

 Aku rindu disaat dengan sengaja bangun pagi hanya untuk melihat sinar mentari pagi yang terbit dan memandang perubahan warna langit merah jingga abu-abu biru gelap seiring hari yang bergulir dengan cepat menjadi pagi siang dan kembali malam..

Aku rindu memperhatikan bunga bermekaran berwarna warni, beraroma aneh yang semakin lama kian kehilangan kelopaknya satu persatu dan mengering seiring perubahan metamorfosa kehidupan yang akan terus berganti..

aku rindu merasakan angin yang menyapu rambut dan membelai rambutku di tempat yang hening namun menggema antara perpaduan suara burung dan serangga yang merangkai harmoni kehidupan. Seolah semua rasa sakit di masa lalu akan tersapu angin dan waktu akan memperbaiki keadaan..

Aku rindu deburan ombak yang mengingatkan duka akan terus menerjang setiap kehidupan, namun batu karang yang di tepian akan terus kokoh tanpa akan tersapu ke lautan..

I miss touching.. i miss contact..
The hand that touch my hair sofly..
The chest that i can hear every his heartbeat..
The arms that hold me and my make my self feel safer..

I miss Love

Jakarta, march 6th 2017

Saya merasa saya sudah terlalu lama berada disini dan merasa seperti terjebak. Berada disuatu tempat yang membuat saya tidak bisa berkembang secara psikologis dan emosional.
Teringat dua minggu yang lalu, saya menemui seorang teman lama yang membuat saya merasa nyaman bisa berbicara bebas tentang apa saja yang saya pikirkan, apa yang sara rasakan. Yang tidak bisa saya keluarkan dengan mudahnya dengan semua orang.. i feel like i'm totaly in my zone..

dan membuat saya sadar. ternyata memang saya membutuhkan seseorang yang seperti Dia untuk mengisi kehidupan saya yang sepi ini.. meskipun itu hanya saat yang singkat. namun saya tidak bisa mengakhiri moment tersebut selama dua minggu terakhir..

Satu sisi saya merasa ingin selalu berada bersama teman saya. Karena saya memang punya sesuatu yang tidak pernah berubah untuknya sejak dulu.. sesuatu yang spesial karena Dia selalu membuat saya jujur dalam segala hal dan membuat saya merasa menjadi manusia yang punya kisah layak untuk di dengar.. yep. he could see me as a person.

Di sisi lain saya memang dalam keadaan bosan dan ingin pulang. Ingin menyendiri entah berapa lama lagi..
dari pada di tempat memuakan ini. dikelilingi orang-orang yang di penuhi omong kosong setiap harinya membuat saya muak. I hate dramaqueens! situasi ini sama persis yang membuat saya teringat teman saya saat kuliah yang yang selalu over dalam kehidupan pribadi nya.. seolah-olah dia ingin membuat semua orang di dunia melihat kecantikannya yang membuat semua pria mengejarnya, seolah-olah dia ingin menunjukan kepada dunia berapa pacarnya begitu cinta mati padanya dan bersedia mempertaruhkan nyawa untuknya. Kemudian dia bergonta ganti mempamerkan foto kekasihnya di sosial media seolah-olah ingin di puji betapa ganteng pacarnya, berapa mesranya dan betapa bahagianya mereka. CIH!! I'm so sick of those people are.. RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE NOT THE WHOLE WORLD!

kemudian disaat malam tiba. It's like nightmare. Saya tidak pernah beristirahat tenang tanpa mendengar celotehan curhatan orang di sebelah dengan percakapan telfon sampai dini hari dengan segala keluhan seolah-olah mereka adalah manusia yang paling menderita di dunia.. dengan tangisan yang di dramatisir seolah-olah semua orang harus tau dan memperhatikan penderitaannya.

Saya sadar. Tidak semua orang yang menghargai "privacy" seperti saya yang menjaga kehidupan pribadi dengan orang-orang tertentu saja. That why i hate being here.. they seem so weak and lame..

Dear my old friend. I miss you. I wish you always there for me. I realize not everyone can understand me well like you do..
I wish i can runaway from this place, this situation, this people as soon as i can.. i'm Sick!

Jakarta, March 6th 2017

My clothes still smell like you, and all the photographs say you’re still young. I pretend I’m not hurt and go about the world like I’m havin’ fun. We get crazy every friday night, drop it like it’s hot in the pale moonlight. grand Ole Opry, feelin' all right mary's swayin’ softly to her heart's delight..


this is what makes us girls, we all look for heaven and we put our love first. somethin' that we'd die for it's our curse. don't cry about it, don't cry about it. It's all gonna happen....

~ Lana Del Rey